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A Visit to My Guru

on June 26, 2012

In May 2012, I visited my Guru, Hans, for the first and probably last time physically in my life. Ever since my first intense spiritual experience, I have had a strong desire to visit him. He advised against it initially. How could I benefit from his presence, if my mind was full of unfinished business back home? He suggested waiting until I was debt free. This May, three years later I was invited to visit, months before I achieved that goal. Ironically, the invitation came just weeks after I had the realization that it would be okay if I never met him. He had pushed me to progress in a way that I have learned to solve my life problems without his advice. I had stopped asking him for guidance over two years ago. I gratefully received advice periodically, but it was always unprompted. Like much of my spiritual progress, I reached my goal of visiting him at the point in which my happiness was not dependent on “achieving the goal” anymore.

I received an invitation to visit him in Phnom Penh, Cambodia. I was only given 2-3 weeks of time to plan. At first I didn’t think it was possible because of my busy work schedule. But, I had heard rumors that Hans was nearing the end of his lifetime. I decided this may be a once in a life opportunity for me to meet him. After a little bit of rearranging the trip came together smoothly.

Now several weeks after the trip, I have taken away one key point:

  • My ability to stay connected spiritually is more dependent on my spiritual practices and inner work, then it is on being physically near Hans.

Before, during and after this visit, I have experienced an increase in the intensity of my ego’s “storms”. With each storm, I have used my spiritual practices (kriya, loving work and time spent with nature) to bring control back to my inner state. There were a variety of different triggers for these intense emotional reactions, but one thing was constant: I was able to see that each consuming emotion was irrational. I didn’t believe that the emotions meant I had “done something wrong”. And this helped me let go of the event and story behind the storm while staying connected with the feelings that it unleashed. In this way, I was able contain the intense energy and I watched it gradually dissolve. With each storm, I returned to my basics. I used my strong positive affirmations, God yoga and kriya that I have relied on for years. With each major storm it took several days for me to have clarity and feel better. But after each storm, I have noticed a growing capability to find and stay connected to my vibe. In the past it would take me days to connect with the vibe beneath each major emotional storm. The vibe was always hidden by incessant thoughts. With each attempt to let go, my mind would snap right back to the event that triggered me, or it would find other things to be dissatisfied about.

To help me process these storms, my normally packed schedule opened unexpectedly. On two occasions while preparing for the trip, I found the time to do several hours of kriya in the middle of typically busy work day. During this time, it was not easy to “be with” or “merge with” my vibe. But I could see that the more time I spent with it, the more it would soften and the more my mind would calm. In the past I did not recognize my vibe as a “living thing”, because it was so dense, always present and it didn’t seem that kriya had any effect on it. Now I can see that it is alive and responds to my attention. Now I can see what works to bring peace inside. In addition to the spiritual practices which foster a loving attitude for the present moment, a ritual that I have developed during my busy daily routine is also very helpful. Whenever I feel insulted, upset, or just suddenly rushed or dissatisfied with the present moment I perform this routine. I stop and forgive “whatever it is that my mind blames (often it is me or God)” and let go. I honor the feeling that surfaced inside of me and choose to give it all my attention. When I have a free moment, I go to my office or an empty bathroom and spend a couple minutes doing God yoga. Since the trip to my Guru, I can immediately feel a relief from most of my daily upsets, with this routine. I soften and my attitude improves. In this way, I am able to approach each new person and each new challenge with a clear mind and focus. It wasn’t always like this. I have been practicing this for two years with very little instant effects until recently.

Here are some of the specific things that triggered intense storms in me surrounding this trip:

  • My mind worried over the preparation details of the trip. It wanted to obsess over things such as whether I had correctly prepared my visa for Cambodia or whether my passport was up to date, etc. Another purpose for my trip was to help Hans with the final preparations of transferring all the spiritual teachings from the website,, to an offline file, the Spiritual Treasures, Final Edition. I had volunteered to hand deliver 12 memory devices to Cambodia to disseminate the teachings. It was difficult for me to find and obtain the correct items. Until I did, I fretted over whether I would succeed. After having all the devices, then there was intense anxiety, about successfully transporting them across the world and across the Cambodian border. I would have no second chance and many people were depending on me. I knew I had to do my very best to prepare for this trip. If something didn’t work out and it was my fault, I would be consumed with remorse, possibly for the rest of my life.

  • In Cambodia, I noticed intense ego activity “rearing its head” in me. There was a desire to impress Hans by saying and doing the correct things. It was exhausting to contain, even though I knew impressing him was a useless endeavor. Maybe because my ego could see there was no way for it to win Hans’ approval it then started to criticize him. My ego sensed that it had no control over the situation and put up one big tamper tantrum. At first I thought the solution was to maximize the amount of time I was at Hans’ side. After a couple days, I realized that being close to Hans, just made things worse. Hans recognized I was troubled. I asked him for guidance and he said do kriya:). So ironically I found myself withdrawing. I spent more time doing kriya and venturing around Phnom Penh on my own. On more then one occasion, God granted me unexpected one on one time with Hans. For example, I would decide to have dinner and as I approached the restaurant, Hans was there sitting by himself, waving to me. I could see that if I let go of chasing him, all was well.  Eventually beneath this ego storm I noticed a fear that I had experienced before. There was a worry that I was being “taken advantage of”. This fear, rested on doubts about my whole spiritual path. Whenever I had felt this way in the past, I could always see through it by asking myself if there was any life goal more worthwhile than learning to “love all” and connecting with God. Again I could see there was no valid reason for the fear, yet the feeling still persisted. I did more kriya. It helped immensely, but not completely. Ultimately that karma was released by a real world experience. While strolling through a riverside park, I was approached by two friendly women. Later, I discovered their intention was to involve me in a scam. Ultimately it failed. No one was hurt, no money was lost, but the experience allowed me to feel fully “taken advantage of”. As quick as that feeling surfaced, I dissolved it with intense loving kriya. After that, I was able to enjoy the rest of my trip with my Hans and Georgi and Galina.

  • After returning home I was completely exhausted. I needed more sleep then I had for months. Because I had slipped the trip into my usually busy routine, there was zero free time between my work and parenting duties. I had very little time for spiritual practices. At first this bothered me. But overtime I could see that despite this, positive inner changes were occurring. As mentioned above, I was able to dissolve conflict in love faster. My body was capable of relaxing more then it ever had before. Shortly after returning I was hit with some of the most intense insults that I have experienced in a couple years. It was then that I could see my mind was able to forgive and let go of the triggering event quicker then ever. I have had the realization lately, that all the people and situations that upset me are not the real problem because they are not lasting, but the vibe that surfaces inside of me with all its variations is always there. I am responsible for that vibe. Only I can do anything about it. As it dissolves, insults no longer feel as real or hurt as long. I also find myself being friends with my offenders more often then ever before (some of them never even know they deeply insulted me). With this, a deep sense of freedom is stirring. A sense of freedom, that is founded on the knowledge that regardless of my circumstances, I have the capability of turning turmoil into peace by opening for God’s love. Recently I heard the “Prayer of St. Francis”. It resonated deeply with me, because for the first time in my life I understood:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

5 responses to “A Visit to My Guru

  1. moonliteeve says:

    Wow Roger…Well, it sounds like so much of the activity was internal! I too, have had a couple ego storms around Hans. But often I also felt like I love him. I got completely used to all his writings and rebukes! Still… I remember I read from http://www.allabouthappylife, Galina sensed a special energy or presence in him, I’m wondering if you did…I know Gopu said he did not.. still, I guess the *only* thing is practice! I truly feel this especially now. It’s easy to drift, and these things are so subtle, that is the ‘problem’! Even Hans, Jesus, any saint or prophet, always faces unbelief and rejection from part of the population this is true.. But what other way has God to give us an accelerated version to the way Home here in this dense sphere? 🙂
    Also spiritual perception and spiritual feelings can be hard to describe, even more so the ‘actions’ to take.
    I believe, that keeping faith and keeping on track even when processing these ‘ego storms” is essential.
    These couple ofmpast days, I have been kind ofmpleading God tomshow me what job or endeavormimshould pursue in life, to serve Him.
    Yesterday, after reading the Bible for a while (Luke) I just focused on God, and began laughing deeply, while,holding the Bible against me. I felt something soothing and comforting in my soul.
    Then I decided to review with God an event that had been ‘nagging me’ from my childhood past. Something that I thought I was truly over and forgiven. It caused a lot of pain in my family and shame to me, and I reviewed following the advice of hans in one article, to makemsure youve learned from past mistakes. I thought: I consider this one of the biggest failures in my life, what can I learn from here? How would I act differently the way I am now? And I felt that Improcessed it in 3 steps all before God, admitting my responsibility in ‘complying’ with something dishonest and the emotional pressures exerted on me and my weakness to them. I felt happy with my process but, can you believe, after this as I was laying in bed (was joyful moments before) it seems like so many’dark emotions came to the surface, and some very painful emotions! and this that Inhave not felt for months upon months: shame, fear, lonely, cold, despair, punishment/rejection. These emotions persisted formtheirmelngth of time, and I ‘endured’ them kind of helpless, without even being able to love through them it seemed, as I had been able to do all these past months for new inputs. Could you believe that this was accompanied by a feeling that my room was darker than ever, as if the night was black, and the air seemed to be so STILL.
    I went to sleep and next morning wore up with my usual reasonably good vibe.
    This whole event surprised me. I never thought I would remember all these emotions, it’s as if a bunch of negative emotions that I had even FORGOT about my childhood surfaced all in a concentrated train.

    • rgietzen says:

      Regarding “sensing a special energy” in Hans: I have to say that for much of the visit, I was too blocked and preoccupied by my storms. Georgi, like Galina, mentioned to me that he senses a tremendous energy when he is near Hans. I did not experience this. I did feel like he was a good friend and I’ve known him forever. There were also several moments I shared with him, when his voice and the look in his eyes touched me to the core of my being. I can still recall the way he says “its okay Roger” with his soft and comforting Swiss accent. It melts me every time:).
      I can believe much of your experience mentioned above about reliving the intense childhood event. It takes lots of conscious work to fully reconcile with major traumas. It sounds like you were very open and sensitive in that moment, that you were able access such a painful and probably deeply hidden aspect of your being. Some ego storms overwhelm me so much, that it shades all my perceptions too.
      As an aside, I have found that “me feeling funky” doesn’t necessarily mean that I am down-pulling on others. As I’ve gotten better at containing my emotions/vibe, I am truly amazed at how crappy I can feel sometimes, yet people will tell me that I was very soothing and uplifting to be around. I guess loving intentions can accommodate any vibe!

  2. moonliteeve says:

    I have had such beautiful emotions in the past months (especially 2011) that I was so surprised at this ‘train’ that was unleashed, even just moments after being so laughingly content for no apparent reason!
    I have also come to see that, people at a certain ‘level’ generally interpret people’s motivations or emotions even for the smallest things sometimes, measure according to their capability. A Christian lady confirmed this too, relating to me a change in her own morality, how she would have interpreted someone’s actions as ‘impure’ a couple years back, but now that she was following and practicing, this situation, she defended the persons saying, they might be doing nothing wrong at all, just having a ‘pure’ interaction.
    Therefore I learned that once your feelings become more beautiful and creative, and your motivations nobler, then you are at a level, but people are still ‘reading you’ (interpreting your motivations) at another level.
    I have recently found also, that I kind of lost the ability to focus and comprehend certain people. It’s as if we are ‘tuning out’ like on a radio frequency. It’s like, the channel you can tune into better, all else sounds like gibberish.
    I don’t know if this a temprary shift but something to be overcome (afterall, I should be open to all).

  3. Hi Roger, I’m glad you got to visit Hans. I had a lot of (extreme) turmoil and illusions on the way to visit Hans. The intense energy drove me crazy, and afterwards when I made a lot of mistakes with the article it was difficult to digest (all the criticism). His (or God’s) intense energy brings up all our craziness in order to wash it out. That’s why it can be very intense coming into contact with someone like that.

    I was lucky and very blessed to spend a lot of amazing time with him on a remote tropical paradise island. He was lovely and I spend many hours with him chilling out, swimming in the ocean and chatting for hours as day. It helped me get spiritual orientation and clarity, but I made a lot of mistakes by publishing all the funny conversations we had in a careless and confused way.

    But now all is corrected, his simple advice has changed my life, and I now have a happy and exciting future of useful work, love and fun ahead of me 🙂 He said that because I have just started proper useful work now, I am 20 years behind, and therefore all else will be in another 20 years 🙂 So I am planning on spending the next 20 years as a foreigner, working and traveling the world- going where ever I am welcomed and help is needed. I know that whenever I truly love he is there with me, so there is no need for his physical presence 🙂

  4. rgietzen says:

    Hey James,
    Its good to hear from you. I am so happy you finally got started with work you really believe in. I wish you strong spiritual guidance and life rich with love and freedom.

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