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Spiritual Presence

on November 30, 2011

The loving spiritual presence that I experienced during the Christmas time in 2008 has motivated me to change my entire life and has served as a benchmark to help me distinguish spiritual guidance from my egoic desires. For most of 2009 and 2010, I had no further spiritual presence in my life. This was a challenging period in my life. It was hard to know if what I wanted was my soul’s wishes or my ego’s desire. The teachings of the Cyberspace Ashram, certainly clarified many problems I had. They helped me work towards my goal of developing a loving relationship with all beings in all situations. However, sometimes situations would present that my logic could not determine which was the best path to choose. For example, several people may desire my attention or services, but I could only help one at a time. Also as previously posted here, I found myself with a woman, when I had zero plans on looking for a girlfriend. Back in those first couple years, I made many mistakes as I learned to separate my ego’s wants from spiritual guidance.

Often I would initially have a good general idea, but my ego would sneak in the back door and I would find it tainting the original intentions. For example, my advice to patients would turn from being inspiring into overwhelming and guilt provoking, with just a small change in my attitude as I presented it. Also my desire to share spiritual teachings with people initially was good founded, yet I was horrible at recognizing who was actually open for such teachings, and who just wants to be left alone. This lead to many uncomfortable rejections where I found myself pushing unwanted resources on people.

In hind sight, I would say that most of 2009 and 2010 I bounced from feelings of anger and guilt (and I still do to be honest). Just about anything could trigger them. Traffic, unexpected changes in my plans, my kids’ behavior could all trigger intense anger. Many of Han’s spiritual posts in the Cyberspace Ashram, my eating habits, my relationships with the women in my life frequently triggered guilt. While struggling with those emotional states, I found that my loving interactions with others were contaminated by them. I would inadvertently say things in a way to make other people angry and guilt ridden! During this time I read many different spiritual texts and was a bit closed to Hans. I cannot say it was conscious, but now I can recognize it was there.

In early 2011, while counseling with Hans he suggested I leave my current job and temporarily leave my family and friends to do humanitarian work. This shocked me intensely because I was already feeling guilty for not being present as a father… but deep down I knew that I would follow his advice if he really recommended it. After a couple days when he understood the full extent of my debt, he decided that was not a good idea. But that event had totally shocked my ego. Shortly after that I started to have the faintest awareness of a spiritual presence. I cannot say that I even felt “happy”, but I was relieved to once again feel the energetic presence. There was a faint buzzing in my head.

In May of 2011, a little after my Crossed Eyed Experience, I started to receive more frequent greetings of spiritual presence. They seemed directly related to spending meditative time in wild natural settings. It was also related to an increasing quality of medical work and fathering skills. To this day, this spiritual presence is still mostly absent and I continue to “troubleshoot” how I can improve the connection. It tends to occurs after good kriya yoga sessions or on a meditative walk in the park after a long hard day of work. I can also feel it after working in the garden, when giving a big long tree hug or on some reflective evenings when I’m spending time loving and reconciling all the people in my life. It is totally gone when I encounter major emotional upsets, get too busy with life or neglect to get myself outdoors. It is less noticeable when I take it easy or think that I’ve “got it figured out now” and loosen my self discipline.

The spiritual presence feels like a warm, comforting, soft energy anywhere in my body and sometimes I can feel it just beyond the limits of my skin. When the energy is present, it is sooo easy to have a good attitude. My mind is tame. My body is relaxed. I feel like my surroundings are smiling back at me. Gratitude wells up strongly, regardless of my circumstances. I just don’t identify with negative attitudes or thoughts and they dissolve instantly at those times. I am happy to start my day. I am eager to look for needy people to help in anyway and am open to accept challenging problems. I am open to be with very intensely suffering people. Normally I would feel a repulsion by them, but instead I find the experience pleasurable. This presence validates itself. Since the presence has returned, I have had more patients say kind words to me, that I never used to hear. I’ve been told I am a “God sent”, have a “warm heart” and that it just feels so soothing to listen to me. I have had other patients tell me that its nice to have a doctor who can feel their pain. This amazed me, because I hadn’t really changed my outward behaviors or my verbal counseling much at all. They were responding to the presence.

The presence guides me indirectly. I learn from the circumstances that seem to increase the probability of it and I adjust my lifestyle accordingly. Mainly the presence guides be by showing the contrast between it and my ego. If I’m feeling the spiritual presence and thinking about positive changes to make in my life, I can feel a strong sense of rejection if my ego is opposed to the idea. For example, one day I was saying a prayer to God while I lightheartedly walked through the park. I was saying in my head that I would be happy to make any changes in my life that would improve my relationship with God. I had maxed out all my daily time and could only increase spiritual practices by shifting my time around and I was looking for guidance. I mentioned specifics, such as working more or working less; spending more time in nature or less; spending more time with my loving friend or less; spending more time with my kids or less. As I said those words, I could feel that inside I was open to any possibility without an agenda. Then I said: meditate more or less. As soon as I said meditate more I felt a rejection inside. It was painful in comparison to the vibe I had been feeling. I immediately knew, I must meditation more and I immediately realized how I could do it!

On another occasion, I asked God what is the biggest attachment which I need to let go of? Immediately my nightly phone calls with my friend came to mind and I felt ill as I thought about letting them go. I knew it would hurt my friend temporarily. But I also knew that it was time to stop. I had to spend a couple hours in nature focusing on that ill feeling, while loving my surroundings, before my heart and mind felt balanced again.

At other times I receive guidance from my surroundings. For example in 2009, I was very enthusiastic about my plans to be a Holistic doctor. I had talked to many people about it. I had not thought about writing on the topic, until one week I had three different people say that they would love to read my book when its done. For the first two people I said “what book”, but by the third one I realized it was a message for me:).

I have had to approach my new career slowly because my ego likes to attach to it and use it to get attention. This spring, after taking a break from working on my mindbody paper, I had a couple totally different people inspire me to pick it up again, after saying some kind words. When I picked it up again, I realized that indeed my experiences had grown and my paper was ready for a revision.

With this increasing spiritual presence and guidance, a deeper confidence comes forth. Although I still experience some intense ups and downs mentally and emotionally, I don’t believe those thoughts or feelings like I used to. With the spiritual presence as a comparative state of being, I am able to observe those stormy times without identifying with them. I am more oriented and less confused throughout these storms. Yes they are definitely more INTENSE, but I also know with more surety that they will pass even quicker than before. And in their wake, I continue to experience a growing sense of gratitude and strength. I am starting to recognize some of my ego directly and seeing the purpose of human suffering. Maybe the most encouraging discover that I have had, is that despite all the mistakes I’ve made, people I’ve hurt, and negative mind chatter I’ve listened to… I could still be graced by this presence. Part of me had feared that I had done something irreversibly wrong. Yet with each return of this spiritual presence I am comforted to know that it is okay to make some mistakes as long as I am willing to recognize them, change and move forward. All those who wish to know this presence directly, I encourage you to review your life in relation to the Cyberspace Ashram’s teachings. Surely with persistent efforts and openness, you will come to know this natural state of being too and let go of anything that stands in the way.

2 responses to “Spiritual Presence

  1. moonliteeve says:

    Roger, I like your way of writing so clear and direct. You seem very honest and observant about yourself, which is totally necessary for spiritual progress ( I think). It also helps others to learn how to do this. I am happy you are moving forward and that you feel the ‘spiritual presence.’ Sometimes I think I do too, I feel something that I don’t know how to describe, some thing joyous and elevated, sometimes “soft”, sometimes like a bright blue sky with an “angelic” vibe, usually after I surrender something, when loving others, or “tuning in”. However, in my case I still have not rearranged my life, I am unsure what job to change to, or where to go. I just discovered Cyberspace Ashram late March, but really started to read it more around June, July. I have to say, it is important and I am thankful for it, because in contrast, the message (about how to be) of the world, parents, friends and co-workers is quite different.

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