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The Christmas Eve Experience

on November 29, 2011

On Christmas Eve of 2008 an unexpected and life changing experience occurred. Prior to that, I had no real spiritual interests. Enormous amounts of energy had been focused on my medical career, a new family and a home. Despite having achieved all of those goals in 2008, something was missing. Instead of a sense of accomplishment, I was feeling trapped by my possessions and the complex lifestyle that was needed to keep them. Although I had many comforts in my life, I was unable to fully enjoy them. The disconnected state had become so familiar I had thought nothing of it, until the spring of 2008. It was then that I finally had some free time and noticed my inner discomfort. First I decided I needed to physically cleanse. I did the master cleanse lemonade diet. It helped. But something was still missing. Then, I was given a book by Eckhart Tolle that was spiritual in content, but written in a very neutral way. I resonated strongly with the message. I was convinced that if I wanted peace and satisfaction, I needed to slow down, and learn how to enjoy the here and now. I needed to simplify, reconcile and earn a sense of accomplishment through meaningful work.

Initially I looked for a “method”. I read many books. I eventually found the online spiritual teachings of the “Cyberspace Ashram for Kriya Yoga”. I must admit the repetitive use of the words “God” and “Love” and the presentation of this website seemed cheesy. But something about this set of teachings had me hooked. Something kept me coming back to read more. An energy was awakening within me. I continued to read and the teachings spoke directly to me. My body recognized the truth and the truth ushered in a growing sense of freedom. One of the major messages was law of karma. That “what we do to others is done to us (especially in our thoughts and fantasies)”. Another major message it that love is the essence of this existence and we can experience it regardless of our situation or past, as long as we learn to express it wholly, no matter what. It is the law of karma or “cause and effect” that is mentioned in virtually every spiritual teaching. Very few individuals fully recognize and act upon this important law (even many spiritual leaders), because the effect is delayed from the cause. We just cannot see it happening. As I saw the many ways in which my mental habits and lifestyle were causing suffering, I quickly began to change my intentions and behaviors.

For example, although I worked hard for my family’s happiness, I did not notice the needs of many other people around me. I was constantly being driven by a “sense of urgency” through out my day, unable to stop and really soak in my surroundings. Even though I acted like a relaxed guy (and truly thought I was), my vibe spread tension to all those I met. Despite working hard to make my family happy, I couldn’t truly appreciate them or make them directly happy because of this tension.

I identified another major personal issue. I couldn’t tolerate mistakes well. With my wife and family this manifested as an inability to let them learn and do things on their own. We cannot learn without making mistakes. I always knew “the best” way to do it and tried to make my family happy by doing everything for them. This was exhausting for me and dis-empowering for them. I stole opportunities for them to become strong members of the family, because I could not watch them fail without getting frustrated. Nor could they fail without feeling like a failure.

By 12/23/08, I realized that deep changes needed to occur in my life if I was sincere about following the spiritual path laid out in the cyberspace ashram. It is an all or none venture, requiring that I make major life and attitude changes if I wish to truly succeed. When I applied what I was learning to my patients, I realized that most of them were suffering… not primarily because of a physical disease, but because of a holistic problem with their lives. A holistic problem that manifested physically.

At that point, I knew that I was going to change my entire career and to down size my home and belongings. That night I couldn’t sleep, so I went and laid down in my children’s bed. While lying there, I fully committed to changing my life forever and knew that I needed to inform my wife of this… but it was 2am on 12/24. I couldn’t wake her up. Within seconds of making this strong commitment… she came and found me! She had awoken and noticed I wasn’t sleeping in bed. It was clear to me that this was an opportunity to break some very tough news to her, while the kids were asleep. I told her of my major change in life purpose and life plans at 2am Christmas eve 2008.

Over the next several days my entire family tried to persuade me to change my mind. The teachings did not speak to them, to the same depth that they did to me. Despite the turmoil created by this change, I felt safe. I was enveloped by the most powerful loving presence. My head and heart radiated an intense, yet soft, buzzing, energy. There was no need to defend my position or argue. Fighting just manifests more fighting experiences in ones life. I chose to love all my surroundings. Without warning, the behavior of people I interacted with changed. People I barely knew let down their guard to share major personal issues with me, some would cry. Children were magnetized to me and would just come in stare in my eyes or sit on my lap quietly. They just enjoyed the loving presence. My mind was quiet and my body was relaxed. I had all the time in the world. I was satisfied.

Serendipity popped up in every facet of my life. Just when I needed support, a high school friend called me “out of the blue” to see how I was doing. I had no idea exactly how I would make the major changes that were needed in my life, but guidance came from many people and many sources, just when I needed it. Whatever had happened to me eclipsed any experience I had ever had and is difficult to put in words. But I had a taste of something which we all really need and want. Now there is nothing in this physical world that attracts me, like the loving presence did.

The loving presence, radiated from me intensely for about 10 days. However, there were several circumstances were I found myself entering an aggressive mind set. Some behaviors were so habitual that despite a resolve to change, I had slipped back into them. After each incident, the loving presence waned. Over a couple months I lost complete connection with that loving energetic presence. I had received a taste of unconditional love, but now it was my responsibility to reconnect through my own efforts. My efforts have been slowly, but surely successful. I am driven by a desire to develop spiritually and this loving energetic presence continues to guide me and reconnect with me. I wish that all others may know this presence too, on whatever path they choose.

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One response to “The Christmas Eve Experience

  1. spiritcalls says:

    I can very much relate to your experience having had one more-or-less similar … 🙂

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